My Coming Out Story (January 2010)

FOREWORD: I wrote this a year ago when I decided to come out, since then my life has changed dramatically and I couldn't be happier. I want to apologize ahead of time if this is scattered. I tend to be somewhat A.D.D. when I start writing and never know where to fit things in real well, so, I’m sorry for that.

I made a new year’s resolution this year for the first time in many years. Well, let me rephrase that, I made a new year’s resolution this year that actually MEANT something for the first time…well…ever. Sure, saying I’m not going to drink pop or caffeine for a year is a good idea, but there are other, more pressing, issues in my life that I feel I need to deal with first before I try to take care of the smaller issues in my life.

My resolution is to be honest about myself. Fully. There are many of you that know what I mean by that, but I know there’s still many others that have no idea about this part of my life and how big of a role it plays in my life. Well, to put it frankly, I’m sick of hiding. I’m sick of hurting. And I’m sick of living in a near constant state of fear and paranoia.

First of all, a little back story. I’ve had major trust issues since 4th grade when a few of my best friends decided to start a rumor about me that I was gay. Well, it spread. Fast. And kids being kids, made me life pretty depressing for awhile. No one would talk to me, my friends would literally run away from me, and I was basically shunned for a few weeks until another one of my friends got over it and started hanging out with me which slowly got everyone to get over it and move on.

Well, my friends were right, although I didn’t know it at the time. And what “it” is is that I’m gay. I’ve known since what seems like my whole life that I was into guys but it never really clicked with me what it meant until 8th grade. I remember specifically where I was, what I was doing, and what my first thought was when I realized it. From 8th grade to 10th grade I didn’t tell anyone, I just lived in a constant state of fear that someone would find out, tell the whole school, get me kicked out, cause my parents to hate me, and in general make my life a living hell. You might think that I was being overdramatic, heck, maybe I was. But I’d heard enough horror stories of kids being abandoned by their parents because of this and at that age, every little mishap is the end of the world.

Anyways, from 8th grade till this past summer (Summer 2009), I considered myself to be bi. I believe I said/thought that because I was absolutely TERRIFIED to admit to myself that I was gay. So from 8th grade till 10th grade, I just had to deal with this gigantic burden by myself because I didn’t trust anyone. Well, halfway through 10th grade, the burden just became too much and I finally built up the courage to tell someone (shaking uncontrollably at the computer) over AIM. Thankfully, they accepted me. After that I told a couple more of my best friends and they accepted me as well. From there on out I told myself “It doesn’t matter if anyone else in the world accepts you, your 3 best friends accept you and that’s all that matters right now. SOMEone accepts you.”

As most of you know, I grew up in a Christian home, and have gone to a private Christian school from 6th grade up until last semester of college. While I never really got super involved with the church, or talked about Christianity much with my friends. I still believed firmly in God and everything. However, during those 2 years of trying to bear this burden I had been given I really became confused and angry with God. I saw this (and still do) as an unfixable “problem”. And I couldn’t help but be angry with God for giving me this next to unbearable “problem”. Am I just meant to be depressed my whole life? Am I condemned to a life of misery? If I give into the “sin” then I’m screwed after I die…if I try and “fight” the sin then I’m just going to be miserable and depressed for the rest of my life because, however I may act like I don’t, all I’ve really wanted the last couple years is to be with someone that cares about me and actually be in a relationship.

As of now, I've given up on all religion because I have only seen it do more damage than actual good.

Things were pretty calm from 10th grade up until the 2nd semester of my senior year when I started hearing there was another rumor going around school about me being bi. Except this time it was worse, I heard from one of my friends that the rumor had spread to the faculty. Needless to say, I was absolutely terrified every day of school for about 2 weeks because I thought that at any moment I was going to get called to the office and get kicked out of school. Any time a teacher asked to talk to me, I panicked. Any time someone looked at me weird, I panicked. When I was at home, I was in a constant state of fear every time my parents asked if they could talk to me (my mom was a substitute teacher at my high school so she could very well have heard about it. In fact, I still don’t know if she heard anything.). From the time I heard there was a rumor going around about me, I started running nonstop. I never let anyone stop me, never really talked about issues with anyone, never gave myself anytime to slow down and think. That lasted through the end of high school and through the summer. Just running nonstop. Then it hit me. College. It absolutely terrified me. I had spent so much time building friendships, helping my friends, and finally got myself into somewhat of a “safe zone”. And now I had to get up and leave it all behind? Go into a completely new environment with no one to help? No one to turn to? Like I said, I was terrified.

In fact, I was so terrified that I refused to leave for college when I was supposed to and arrived a week later than everyone for the leadership camp part of the 2 weeks prior to when class actually started.

Once class actually got underway, I quickly realized that it was not going to end well at all. After running for about 6 months straight without any quiet time, it was like running into a brick wall. All the free time that college brought me. All the quiet time. No one I trusted enough to talk to in person. Everyone I cared about and trusted 200 miles away. I quickly fell into one of (if not the deepest) depression I’ve been in (Side-note: chronic depression runs in my biological family and since 7th grade I have a bout of depression every 2 years). It got to the point where I was basically suicidal. I remember clearly one night when I was talking with one of my friends online and he was asking if I was okay or if I needed to talk and I was just sitting there holding a bottle of pain pills just thinking “it would be so easy…so easy…just to end it and be done with it. No matter what I do, I’m screwed. Might as well just get it over with now.” Obviously, I didn’t give in and just continued trying to survive one day at a time.

At this point, I know I had begun to worry a lot of people in my life. I was getting weekly messages from my mom and my best friends mom asking about my Facebook statuses and if I was okay. One of my friends asked another friend to talk to me because he was worried about me. My mom called counseling services on me. It got bad.

With about a month left of the semester I decided to drop out for my own well-being. Frankly, I didn’t trust myself to be left alone by myself because I had no idea what I might do and I didn’t want to find out.

So I was back at home, safe, but still depressed. And I remained that way for awhile. Thankfully, my parents didn’t press taking classes or getting a job. At that point, I just needed to stop, take a break, and get my life back on track. It’s amazing what a few months of thinking can do to your outlook on life (and I mean that in a positive sense).

However, at the end of the spring semester, one of my (once again) really good friends had a lapse in judgment and let it slip to a couple of my friends and a couple people I didn’t particularly like that I was bi. I was furious, terrified, betrayed, and about 1,200 other emotions. I immediately built up the walls I had been trying so hard to tear down and reinforced them with everything I had. I didn’t plan on letting anyone else into my life, or at least my personal business, for a very long time, if ever.

Again, I assumed the worst, everyone was going to find out, my parents would be notified (why? I have no idea), and my life would be even more hellish than I had already made it. But once again, I guess luck was on my side, the rumor spread somewhat and I had a few conversations about it with some unlikely people, but I was honest about it and everyone seemed to be alright with it. I still don’t know exactly how far the rumor actually spread or who knows/thinks I’m bi but at this point it doesn’t matter to me.

I admitted to myself this past summer that I was gay. I also forgave my friend for her lapse in judgment because I firmly believe in the “forgive and forget” saying. Everything slowly started coming back together and settled down. I decided to return to school in the fall and give it another try. Got an apartment on campus with one of my good friends, and was feeling very optimistic and hopeful about the coming semester and what it might hold.

Well, long story short, I did pretty awful in most of my classes again. However, I definitely feel that I improved over the year previously because I did pass 1 or 2 classes (can’t remember how many exactly) and I didn’t fall into depression at all.

It wasn’t until November that I was faced with my first real negativity about being gay. Back in September, my roommate started dating this girl. Long story short, it didn’t end well but me and her became really close. We ended up talking for about 2 hours every single day from September until November when she sent me a message asking if I had any intention of trying to be straight or go back to church. I was honest with her and told her, for one, you can’t just turn straight, and no, I did not have any intention to go back to church. Well, she then told me that we couldn’t talk any more or be friends. That hit me hard. But it hit me even harder the next day when she told me why. She had been triple-teamed by her pastor and parents, all of whom were telling her that she shouldn’t be as good of friends with me as she was solely because I’m gay. Even worse, they threatened to stop paying her college tuition unless she cut things off with me. So yeah, that was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with since coming to terms with myself and accepting it for what it is.

So that brings us full circle. In December, my roommate showed me this free dating website that I decided to give a try and started talking with some other guys, heard some of their stories, and began to realize that I’m not as alone as I thought I was.

New Year’s Eve. I made a new year’s resolution that I would come out fully. That I wouldn’t hate myself for something that I can’t fix or change. That I would be happy and be content with who I was as a person.

The first step was to tell my parents, which I did mid-January. However, that didn’t go nearly as smoothly as I was hoping it would. Long story short, I wrote them a note telling them, panicked before I gave it to them, taped it to the fridge, ran out of the house, took the car, and drove to my friend’s house.

Needless to say, things were pretty awkward when I got home. I still haven’t really talked to my parents about it because I’m just not comfortable talking about it out loud with basically anyone (with a few exceptions). However, my mom was pretty awesome about it and left a note under my door that night saying that they still loved me and they were just really surprised.

Okay, so NOW we’ve come full circle. At first, I thought about posting as my status on Facebook saying “I’m gay”, let everyone see it, get it over with, and then move on. But I’ve decided to go about “coming out” a little differently.

I will be Drew. I will be myself. I will be crazy. I will be dorky. I will not make it a huge statement. I will not draw attention to myself about it. I will be the person that I have always been. There’s just another trait you can add to the list. I’m gay.