"Divided" Paths

Currently listening to: "Two Rebels" by Honor Society

So I was at Evensong tonight and they sang "How Great Is Our God" and during one of the last choruses I noticed that one of singers broke off from the group and sang the 2nd version of the chorus on top of the rest of the band but then came together at the end.

It got me to thinking about christianity in general and how divided it is...there are so many different denomination's which I have never understood the point of. Aren't we all just going towards the same end goal? Don't we all believe in the same god? And yet, there's animosity, arguments, and all this division for no apparent reason. It just confuses me, but when they did that chorus it gave me a way to kind of solidify what I mean when I talk about the division in chrisitianty. Sure, the words are different, but it's the same chords, it's got the same message, and in the end you all finish together.

Glee

Currently listening to: "Don't Stop Believin' (Drew G Mix Part 2)" by The Glee Cast

I remember seeing commercial's popping up a month or so ago for this new show Glee that was coming to Fox and it was the first series I got excited about in awhile. But then my schedule (or just forgetfulness) got in the way and I never really got to catch any episodes. But a couple weeks ago my friend Kim had me watch the ending number the cast did for the pilot episode. The song was "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey and I knew at the moment that I was going to be hooked on the show. Of course, right after getting attached to the show then I had to leave for school where I don't have easy access to cable tv (or tv at all) and it slipped to the back of my mind yet again.

But about 2 days ago I fell upon this remix that someone (ironically) named Drew G put together of the Don't Stop Believin' rendition Glee put together and I've been completely addicted to it ever since I heard it.

Well, tonight I finally had some time to myself to do whatever I want and decided to watch the 3 full episodes that Fox had posted up and it clinched my love for this show, the characters, and of course the very well done musical numbers that appear throughout the episodes.

But it also made me think and come to some realization's and before I get into them, I feel like I should give some background as to why these are such big realization's for me.

I have always had pretty low self-esteem/self-confidence but I try to cover it up as best as I can however I always am on edge around...well....basically everyone. There's really only 2 people that I feel 100% completely comfortable and don't have to think about everything I say, do, or act. I can just be true self without and worry and it is such a freeing feeling.

But this show made me realize how stupid it is to try and cover yourself up, or try to hide your true self from people because really...what's the point? Why not be yourself, find friends that accept you for who you are, not some mask that you hide behind? So that's what I'm going to try to do, I'm going to try to be myself. Truly.

Dumber By The Year?

Currently listening to: "Walking On The Moon" by The Dream ft. Kanye West

Before anyone freaks at me about the fact that I'm listening to a (an?) R&B song and then ripping on a similar genre...that song actually has a (pretty) good meaning compared to most of its counterparts that are being repeated to death on the radio.

Alright, am I the only one who's *really* amazed with some of the crap that's being called "music" and thrown out to the public? And even worse, am I the only one who's amazed that the general public keeps eating it up and begging for more?

Here's a few examples of this "crap" that I'm talking about

1) "Ice Cream Paint Job" by Dorrough

Okay, first of all, what the hell is an "Ice Cream" paint job? Second of all, is there any purpose to this song? Because I really cannot see any. With most of the popular rap out there today people at least have the excuse of "it's got a good beat to dance to" as some way to defend it. This has nothing. It has no beat, barely any actually music, and the lyrics are absolutely awful. Besides, who in the right mind would find enjoyment in dancing to a song about how your car should look?

Just for the record, I'm all for people making music and what not...but can we at least make some guidelines or regulations as to what is going to be thrown out to the entire world? Like...an actual meaning behind the song?

2) "Birthday Sex" by Jeremih (No, I didn't spell that wrong, that's how he spells his name)

Once again, a basically pointless song that has no meaning whatsoever. It basically just proves my point that a majority of the "popular" music these days is just meaningless crap and as long as you "look good" or have a "good beat" then you can become a millionaire. You don't need any talent, you just need connections. That's it. Then you can make millions off a song about having sex on your birthday. Great world we live in, eh?

3) "Turn My Swag On" by Soulja Boy

Yeah, I know this isn't that recent but this song is just awful. Everything about it, the music itself is painful, and the fact that he is insanely off-key during the chorus and just about throughout the entire song makes me wonder how in the world this song ever was allowed to even be produced. Soulja Boy, stop making music, thank you.

And the last thing I want to say on the topic of music is how unoriginal a large majority of rap/popular music is today. The greatest example I can give is Flo Rida on his new album. He's got "Sugar", "Right Round", and "Jump" that all use either a past song's chorus/back-track or a well known saying as the chorus to his song. It used to be you had to bring something original the table before you could get signed and produced...apparently you don't even need that anymore, you can just buy off the sounds or words of past artists and sell them as your own. Or like I said before, you just need connections and you can be a millionaire too.

On to a slightly different topic. Has anyone else wondered about the future lately? I mean, when I was a kid I pictured the future as incredibly clean and futuristic with flying cars all over the place and everything working smoothly. Lately? I can only see the future being so much worse than things are now. I was talking to my friend today about how people type on facebook or when commenting on a video/picture. And we came to this question, how many year's or generation's will pass before that's the "normal" way to type, and proper spelling and typing become a thing of the past. And the most ironic thing about it is when I see someone typing something like this:

.:I lOvE mY bF sOoOoOo MuCh!! wE r LiKe MaDe 4 eAcH OtHa!!!:.

Which doesn't make a single bit of sense. I can kind of understand and defend "typing lik dis" when it comes to saving space or time (but really, how much time are you saving by typing like that?) but when I see several status updates a day with people like that it just confuses me because they're 1) making things much more difficult to read quickly 2) making it a lot more difficult to type and 3) not saving anytime whatsoever. There is absolutely no reason to type like that, nothing good or beneficial comes out of it besides maybe being able to say "But I'm being original!!"...but even then, you're not. You're just being a dumbass.

Going back to what the future will hold, I made a joke (albeit, somewhat crude and over the top, but not altogether farfetched) about how computers in a few generations will come with not Minesweeper and Solitaire as the built-in games but "Drop Sum Phat Beatz" and "Score Sum Hoes". Like I said, sure it's a little over the top, but in all honesty, isn't that the only thing our generation thinks about or aspires to be? They want to become millionaire's and get all the girl's because "that's the cool thing to do". And with how easy it is to get into the music industry now-a-day's it's not that crazy of a concept (I'm looking at you Soulja Boy).

This is yet another reason why it bothers me to no end when people rip on the Jonas Brother's or Miley Cyrus but then go on to continue blasting Soulja Boy at the highest volume on their ipod's. At least their music has depth...and moral's...and talent.

Summer Boredom

Currently listening to: "Nightmare" by eleventyseven

Well, it's 7:18 a.m. currently and I haven't gone to bed yet....I know, you're shocked =P. Anyways, I realized I hadn't made a post in about a month (little less) so I figured I'd do a little update on my life...keyword: "little" cuz i need to get in the shower soon so that i can give my dad a ride to his doctor's appointment.

Ummm....well, going off of my last post. Hanging out with Fishy was a lot of fun, we went to his high school to pick up his brother and he showed me around there for awhile, dropped his brother and friend off at home then went over to the mall to wander around and pass the time. Ended up buying a new t-shirt and hoodie from Hot Topic that were on a major clearance. Ummm, then we went back to his house and spent about an hour on imdb.com reading all the random extra jobs people get in movies...and trust me, there's some crazy one's out there, haha. oh, and he showed me some of Jonny Ordonia's pictures on facebook which are INCREDIBLE. I ended up leaving around 7 cuz i started getting pretty tired and i had to drive up to Grand Rapids to pick something up for my friend before driving home which added an hour to the trip. Thankfully once I started driving I woke up so the trip home wasn't bad at all, and I was very glad to be able to take I-96 the whole way home instead of the really obnoxious route i took to get to Portage.

ANYWAYS, more recently. My mom was out of town for a couple weeks to visit her dad in kansas, and during that time my dad had his first of 2 cataract surgeries so i had to take care of him for a majority of the time because he wasn't supposed to really do much of anything. But the surgery itself went fine, and he just got the second surgery completed a couple days ago so now he's back into the healing/recuperating process but this time he's got my mom around to take care of him so there's less stress on me.

Uhhh...what else is there...oh, i guess this is kinda interesting...i've given up on the "conventional" job search and am going to give the working-from-home-posting-links-for-google gig and see how that works out for me, lol.

Um...other than that i've just been hanging out with friends when i can (which has actually been VERY often this week...almost a daily thing) and just hanging out at home passing the time doing whatever...oh! i got inFAMOUS for the PS3 a week or so ago which has been keeping me entertained...and i just bought the new downloadable content for Burnout Paradise which included an entire island to drive around on which is TONS of fun. I'm letting one of my friends borrow the PS3 and all my games for a few days currently though cuz he's really gotten into inFAMOUS and Burnout so i figured why not.

Anywho, I think that's about it...so if anyone actually reads these, how have all of you been? =)

Home Alone!

Currently listening to: "Va 'r Jag" by Basshunter

Update on my life time!

This is prolly going to turn into a really boring post so sorry about that, lol. Anywho, it's like 5 a.m. on a friday morning (well...duh...the date is right at the bottom...) and i'm really not that tired, i went to bed around 11ish but then i woke up at 1 and have been awake since.

My week....ummm...gimme a sec to remember, lol...

I went and saw Star Trek with Kim on saturday which was A LOT of fun and an AMAZING movie so that was a good night =). Sunday I did the weedwacking around the house, monday I think I just laid around the house...tuesday I power washed all the decks (we've got 3...2 small ones and one big one that spans across the entire side of the house) which took awhile but wasn't that bad (besides water beginning to leak into my dad's office downstairs, lol). Wednesday...I went to my high school for like half an hour and saw a few people then went with Kim, Danny, and Eric (hitchhiked a ride...funny story, lol) to a softball game at Lahser high school where Ellen was playing. I was there for a little over an hour...one HOUR...and i got sunburned. that's just sad, haha. Anyways, me and eric left and got taco bell then i dropped him off at the school cuz he needed to help set up for youth group and then i went home for the evening. 

Oh! Okay this is going to sound super dorky/nerdy but i was running around the house going insane when i found this (you're never too old to have an excitement attack =P)...anyways, I FINALLY found the full version of this one DDR song that i've been looking for for about...2 years-ish? yeah, about that. I was SO excited and now I am SO addicted to it, haha. Ummm...oh, speaking of new music, I also found out eleventyseven is coming out with their new album (Adventures in Eville) on June 9th and they've released 2 pre-release songs that are AMAZING and i've been really addicted to those as well and am super excited for the new album to come out =)

Ummm....anyways, i ended up staying awake till like 7 a.m. last night (morning?) and ended up crashing before i could say bye to my parents. They left around 10ish yesterday morning to drive to west virginina to go to a wedding so now i'm home alone until monday =D

Aaaaand tonight was SCS's prom which I went to cuz kim asked me to....i'll admit that it was really awkward for the first hour or so, but once we got to the actual dinner part it was fun cuz we were at a good table and i was pretty good friends with most of them so that was cool. Kim gave me a ride home after the dinner cuz my brother needed the van and I didn't really feel like paying 10 bucks to get into a christian high school dance and just end up getting yelled for 2 hours for "dirty dancing" (bullcrap.) so i just went home and then kim headed back to the dance. 

Uhhh, oh right, now i'm just hoping i get tired soon-ish so i can get a little more sleep than just 2 hours cuz i'm gonna head over to grand rapids (well, technically Portage) to hangout with Fishy for awhile today and it would be good that i got more than 2 hours of sleep when i'm going to have to drive about 4 hours today, lol. 

Plans for the weekend after that? maybe hangout with kevin when i get back if it isn't too late, movies with kim and rachel at my house on saturday and maybe seeing Star Trek again with kim, eric, and jonathan as well on saturday. Sunday...it feels like i have something going on then as well...but i can't remember for the life of me what it is, lol...oh well, maybe i'll just do some the other jobs that need to be done around here then...and clean the house up a bit, lol.

Anywho, that's about it for this week =) i'm just gonna post some lyrics from a few of my favorite songs at the end cuz...well...i'm not entirely sure, i just feel like doing it =P

"I'm trying to live,

Trying to hope,

Trying to love,

Trying to cope.

Life's a war that few of us survive,

And I'm just trying to make it out alive."

 - Trying by eleventyseven (one of their pre-release songs)

"I worked up the nerve to go to the dance

There's no reason I couldn't give it a chance

I walked through the door and what should I see

There was Kelly staring back at me

And she said

I've always wanted to be a mad professor

With a bottle-nosed dolphin I could name Sylvester

If that's the kind of thing you're into then I'm your girl."

 - Evil Genius by eleventyseven (other pre-release song)

"I've been waiting for the weekend to come

I've been working so hard

I don't ever want to lose this feeling

Baby we've got tonight, and the rest of our lives

and this party is getting started, gonna move tonight

Why not, you should - listen to the music and dance right through the night

Why not, don't stop! - gonna rock the sound tonight."

 - Why Not by DJ Darwin (this is the song i just found that i'm addicted to)

"The road I walk is paved in gold,

To glorify my platinum soul.
I'll buy my way to talk to god
So he can live with what I'm not

The selfish blood runs through my veins
I gave up everything for fame
I am the lie that you adore
I feed the rich, and fuck the poor

I got, you want.
It's just don't stop.
This is entertainment.
Lies are entertainment.
You are down on your knees,
begging me for more."

 - "Don't Stop" by Innerpartysystem

Honorable mention of some of my other favorite songs right now....

Arizona by Hey Monday

Prom Queen by Lil' Wayne

Go Hard by DJ Khaled

Burning Up by Jonas Brothers

Silly Boy by Lady Gaga/Rihanna

Fire Burning by Sean Kingston

What You Got by Colby Odonis

Lucky by Jason Mraz

Starlight by Muse

Human by The Killers

aaaaaaaaand, Basshunter cuz his music never gets old =)

Jo Bros vs. The World

Currently listening to: "Surrender (VIP Mix)" by Al Storm

I'm going to try and not turn this into just a big rant but I can't make any promises, lol.

I really do not understand why people loathe the Jonas Brothers (or Miley Cyrus, Hillary Duff, Miranda Cosgrove, or any other Disney star turned artist) because in all honesty, none of their music is really that bad. I actually enjoy listening to most of their songs...and there is MUCH worse music out there. And, in my opinion, I'd much rather see the younger generation listening to any of them and actually be getting some good values put into their life then having them be blinded by Flo Rida, Pussycat Dolls, etc. (I refer you to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eQ5yWoGfQw)

In response to that video:

1) What parent actually allows their (7 year old?) child to listen to that kind of music? And people wonder why kids are having sex at younger and younger ages...it's not just the artist's fault. They make the music they want to make, they have no control really over who listens to it and what not. That's up to the parents to show some responsibility and use a little control over what their child is listening to and if it's appropriate or not.

2) Well, I guess this is more in response to the comments on the video...no, that is not cute, that is terrible. At that age he should be singing Row Row Row Your Boat or something.

Although, I will say that tv channels and producer's could do a MUCH better job of selecting music they play, especially on general kid's channels. (I refer you to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQED4DR7lX4). It's no wonder kids want to have sex at such young ages, and why girls tend to dress slutty at younger ages as well. They see those girls performing, basically shoving the essence of sex in their face, and making millions off of it. Of course they're going to think that's "cool".

I'll end with this, I'm not condoning the artists or the music they make (heck, I like Flo Rida's music myself), but I just believe that if parents and producers did a better job of censoring and just using common sense then a lot of the sex-crazed cultural we live in would begin to deteriorate.

Rumors

Currently listening to: "Falls Apart" by Thousand Foot Krutch

I'm fucking done. I thought that maybe once we got into college that people would be mature enough to figure out when something isn't meant to be told to the general public. Apparently not. I finally had something good for me going with Cornerstone and then someone (a "friend" nonetheless) had to go and rip it all away. It just doesn't make sense, what's the point? where's the purpose in doing that? As if I didn't have to deal with this same exact shit last year and almost got kicked out of fucking school because of it...and now someone comes along and has to try to do the same fucking thing. What is the fucking point in trusting anyone when they're just going to stab you in the fucking back right when you turn around?

Whatever....to those of you wondering, yeah, I'll go back to Cornerstone...but I'm going to be a much different person than I was before and it's going to be a long time before I go back to "normal".

Contradictions

I want to run, I want to stay
I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded
I want to hurt, I want to heal
I want this to end, I want to start over

I want to help, I want to tear down
I want to scream, I never want to speak again
I never want to heal, I want to carry these scars
I don't know where to go, I know exactly where I want to end up

I want to make everything better, I don't know where to begin
I want to live in this moment forever, I want to get on with life
I want to do more, I want to do nothing
I want to have a more exciting life, I want to listen to music all day

Life is full of contradictions,
Which do we choose?
Do we take the easy route?
Or do we take the path less traveled?

So many questions, so few answers
So much time ahead of us, so many quick decisions
Speeding through the best times, the easiest times
Just to have a couple more "freedoms"

Do we realize how good we have it?
How many more freedoms we have now?
Do you see your parents going out to the movies?
Or seeing friends 3+ times a week?

Kicking back, watching tv
Not a care in the world
Besides finishing some homework
Or missing your favorite show

We've got it so good right now
And it confuses me everyday
Why everyone wants to rush through the now
And wish all of these good times away

F.Y.I.

Sooo I'm just gonna make this a really small quick post to let you know what happened....basically I used my old email address to make my other blog and then when I switched to gmail I'd have to constantly be signing in here and on google because blogspot and google are connected soooo yeah...i don't really wanna go through the whole thing...but basically the other blog is gonna be left behind (I pulled the posts that I wanted to keep and posted them here) and this is going to be my new blog where I post everything....feel free to follow it if you want...hopefully this one will be a lot less emo than my last one, lol.

Till next time,

Drew

Happiness

Currently listening to: "Glamorous" by Fergie

So I figured I should at least have ONE happy(ish) blog post on here, lol. And I figured now's as good a time as any =).

Sooo, my hard drive arrived (ha, rhyming) a couple days ago and I've been furiously (and incredibly SLOWLY) backing up my ipod....after about 24 hours of working nonstop I'm through A and about halfway through B....yeah, it's gonna take awhile, haha. But it's given me something to do, and i'd prolly be farther than i am but halfway through B i realized i didn't have very much music by Blink 182, Black Eyed Peas, or BeForU so I took a couple hours to find and download a few albums for each and then when i was downloading Black Eyed Peas I figured I might as well get Fergie's album as well, so I got that too, lol. Aaaaand then when i went back to actually copying stuff from my ipod it wouldn't work so i had to give up for the day. although i'll prolly go back to it again in a little bit or when i'm done with this post...

Ummm....oh, I had this unplanned party kinda thing a few nghts ago. Originally Derek was just gonna come over, but then kim texted me saying she's bored so she was gonna head over in a little bit, then i remembered jonathan was home, so i called him up, and then i figured he could bring allison along too....so what originally was just gonna be me and derek turned into a crazy hangout with frisbee, basketball (and hitting a nice car, hehe), dead frogs, jeff dunham, bonfire (with lots of lighter fluid, hehehe), and yummy cake =D sooo yeah, it was a really good day =)

Aaaand now i've completely lost my train of thought cuz i just drank a bunch of coffee and i got distracted by all the formatting options you have...wow i'm a dork, lol....

well, might as well end this on a good note....

FERGALICIOUS DEFINITION MAKE THE BOYS GO LOCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah. i just went there. what now.

=D

When You Can't Go On*

I'm sorry that you're hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.

I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you're trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away. Difficult to imagine isn't it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp. And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty, broken promise.

Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair. Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can't banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in it's own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.

Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

Hold on because it's worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift. Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced. Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses. Hold on because there is so much that you can't now imagine waiting ahead on your journey - a destiny that only you can fulfill. Hold on although your exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though. Please hold on.

So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know... So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? why? and still the answers and the comfort failed to show. Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who've stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.

And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you'll begin to feel its' warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward please. Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.

When you're exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith, hold on. When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it's not death you seek, but for the pain to go away. Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away. Hold on. Please hold on.

*Written by an unknown author

Y'know...

Y’know, I thought you were different
I thought that you cared
I thought you might help me out
Whenever I was scared.
I thought you were more
I thought you’d understand
But now I realize how wrong I was
You’re just another friend on demand.
Here one minute
Gone the next
Never sticks around for very long
Just enough for what everyone expects.
I thought I could trust you
Tell you my deepest fears
But through the days and weeks
I’ve been drowning in my own tears.
Where are you when I need you the most?
Where are you when I’m at the bottom?
When will I have the courage to tell you,
About how you haunt me like a phantom?
Thoughts of you drift in and out
Constantly plaguing me
They never go away, they never give up
When all I want is to be free.
Y’know, even when you’re a complete ass
No matter what you do
There isn’t a single thing I wouldn’t forgive
And come crawling back to you.
I can’t live without you
Now that you’re in my life
But being near you hurts like hell
Like being stabbed with a searing knife.
I hate having to push you away
But I know it’s for the best
I wish I could keep you by my side
Through the good and all the rest.
But I know that it can never be
I don’t know if you can even still be my friend
Forever being punished for the curse I bear
Always being forced to pretend.
I worry about you night and day
I’m kind of surprised you don’t see
I wish I could be with you
But you would never want to be with me.
I should probably just move on
Or so I’ve been advised
Start looking for a new “only one”
Someone with whom I wouldn’t have to live disguised.
I’m beginning to give up
I’m starting to lose hope
I don’t know how I can go on living like this
Always just looking for ways to cope.
I guess I’ll just have to keep going
As I always do
Perpetually going through the motions
Living a life considered to be taboo.

I'm Sorry*

I want to hurt and I want to bleed. 
This pain is too much to bear. 

Emotions are jumbled, and thoughts are racing. 
All in one way, the wrong way to go. 
I want to do it... what is stopping me? 

Stop caring, I am not worthy. 
Stop loving me, I cannot love you back. 
I am too hurt. 

I am guilty. Guilty because I am me. 
I should not feel this way. Others are worse off. 
But all I can do is sit here in a miserable heap. 
I am stuck in a rut. 
I do nothing to make it better, so it really is my fault. 

I can talk and talk and get nowhere, I'm not going to get better. 
I'm not going to change for the better, I don't know how. 

I'm completely alone. And I hate it. I want this to end. 
I want to be able to feel connected. Like I fit in. 
The loneliness is smothering me. 

Want to say how much I hurt, but who would listen without judgment? 
People judge me without knowing me; do they try to hurt me? 
Or is this just me overreacting? 

Judge me, hate me, be afraid of me. 
I do it to me, so why can't you? 

I can't promise I won't do it. 
I can't say that I won't regret it. 
I will not say it won't leave me more imperfect, 
It will. 

I just can't do this anymore. 
Reaching out is too much work. 
I hate being so self-centered. 

I know I'm negative. 
I know these thoughts can be changed. 
But I think I'm used to it? 

I know this is cognitively distorted, 
As I already know this is me being depressed. 

Tell me I'm not crazy. 
I might listen. 
Tell me I'm not alone, 
and I will listen. 
But tell me that people care, 
that's a hard pill to swallow. 

I'm sorry that I'm a mess. 
I'm sorry for making people worry. 
I am so sorry I can't be happy. 
And I'm just sorry. 
Somehow it’s all my fault. 
I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. 

*Written by an unknown author

Countdown 10 to 1

Counting down my feelings for you,
I don't know where to begin.
I guess I'll start from the top,
And tell how you make my head spin.

Ten, I just met you,
You're funny, kind, and amazing,
I don't know what to think.
You sweep me off my feet,
I'm falling faster than I can blink.

Nine, we've started hanging out,
You still have no clue,
How crazy you make me,
Whenever I'm around you.

Eight, we start spending more time,
Getting to know each other,
Talking about our fears,
Our goals and aspirations,
Without a clue to whats about to happen.

Seven, the first big fight,
Sure we've have arguments,
And pointless conflicts in the past.
But know you've found something out,
That I wasn't ready to tell.

Six, you've run out of things to say,
Lost in your mind, trying to think,
Nothing's coming to you,
You give up and turn away,
Making me think you hate me,
So I go to bed hating myself too.

Five, I keep my distance,
I don't know what think.
I spend all my time thinking,
About the time we had,
The times we laughed.
Thinking that's all we'll have,
Our time is up, that's all she wrote.

Four, I start to heal,
Time has passed,
I feel like I've moved on.
You're still in my thoughts,
But no where near as much as before,
I get some of my life back.

Three, why did you have to do that?
Why couldn't you just leave me alone?
All I wanted was to move on and forget about you?
You've come into my life again, why?
All I want is to be free, to be able to live my life.

Two, and so the healing process starts again,
I won't let you hurt me again,
I'm done with it, completely through,
You're finished and you'll never get another chance.

One, it's finally over,
You no longer plague my thoughts.
We've gone separate ways,
I couldn't be happier.

So that's my countdown 10-1,
Of how I got over you,
And I'm never looking back,
I'm over you and finally free,
I couldn't be happier,
I mean...just look at me!

Eulogy*

This is for my parents 

and all people who put up with me 

when I was down on my luck and careless 

this is for the drama and madness that had me scared stiff 

and the trauma and sadness that it came with 

this is my eulogy to choices I made stupidly 

to the people that I used to be 

and the ones who didnt stay true to me 

to the friends who were there for me when I needed it 

and girls that i loved but could never be with 

the homeless nights I've spent wandering around brockville 

to self abuse, and trying to keep yourself out of the hospital 

to unrequited love and remorse 

hate thats forced 

dead-end jobs, raised voices, slammed doors 

heartache, heartbreak, inner wars 

medicine presriptions, and blankets on the floor 

this is for the brutal wake up calls 

and arrogant messages I left on bathroom stalls 

holes in the walls from my heavey fists 

tattoos used to hide the scarring on my wrists 

to the ears that would listen to what I had to speak 

no matter what shape I was in that given week 

and the things I wish I would have done a little diffrent 

to the goals I could have accomplished but I didn't 

the friends I miss and girls I wish never left 

to their ghosts, I can't seem to put them to rest 

to the sleepless nights that I try to write 

down the words that tell the story of my life 

the glory and the spite in the rhymes I recite 

to staying on the bike 

and the times I got back up to face myself 

in another round of the fight 

to starring at the clouds in the rain asking why 

even tho I dont beleive in any god in that sky 

to my eyesight whenits blurry and I'm staggering home 

from the bar late at night where I drank alone 

by myself in a booth just me and a bottle 

facing the truth with every swallow 

this goes to the morals that sank into the depths of the darkness 

to the weight that I carry througout my hardships 

this is to love, I'm a walking target 

living between heaven and hell, and heavens the farthest 

this is for my notepad, Its been with me through the worst 

and my pen for being the middle man to me and my hurt 

this is the eulogy 

*Written by an unknown author

I Am*

I can't keep doing this to myself.
I'm falling apart at the seams.
Nobody really knows.
I need help.

Help.
Can't cry.
Just need to cope.
But when it's bad, should you?

Maybe the thoughts are right.
Maybe I deserve bad stuff.
I can't keep this up.
I want to hide.
I want to die.
Please.

Please.
Let me bleed.
Let me drink it away.
I'll go away and never return.
To save everyone from the burden of me.

Burden.
I am not worthy.
I am not important.
Nothing really matters now.

I am conflicted and confused.
I am in a community.
But I am nothing.
I am a liar.
A faker.
Burden.

Hatred.
For myself.
Misery and pain.
So much inescapable agony.

I will do what needs to be done.
I will continue to pretend.
I am fine and okay.
Nobody will know.
Or care.
Alone.

Alone.
By choice.
By lifestyle.
Push them away.
I do not deserve them.
Nobody can save me from myself.

Save me.
But I cannot say it.
Help me.
But I dont deserve it.
Be here.
But I cannot ask for it.

Tell me.
Tell me who you see.
Tell me who you think I am.
Tell me what you think I need to hear.
Tell me that the voices are wrong and I shouldn't listen.

I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am alone.
I am scared.
I am terrified.
I am afraid.
I am lifeless.
I am blank.

I will be still.

*Written by an unkown author

Sometimes*

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be; possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, willpower, or heart. 

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. 

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. 

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. 

Make every day count... 

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. 

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. 

Most importantly, if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

*Written by an unknown author

I Believe*

I believe- 

that we don't have to change friends 

if we understand that friends change. 

I believe- 

that no matter how good a friend is, 

they're going to hurt you every 

once in a while and you must forgive 

them for that. 

I believe- 

that true friendship continues to grow, 

even over the longest distance. 

Same goes for true love. 

I believe- 

that you can do something in an instant 

that will give you heartache for life. 

I believe- 

that it's taking me a long time 

to become the person I want to be. 

I believe- 

that you should always leave loved ones 

with loving words. It may be the last 

time you see them. 

I believe- 

that you can keep going 

long after you can't. 

I believe- 

that we are responsible for what we do, 

no matter how we feel. 

I believe- 

that either you control your attitude 

or it controls you. 

I believe- 

that regardless of how hot and 

steamy a relationship is at first, 

the passion fades and there had 

better be something else to take 

its place. 

I believe- 

that heroes are the people 

who do what has to be done 

when it needs to be done, 

regardless of the consequences. 

I believe- 

that money is a lousy way of keeping score. 

I believe- 

that my best friend and I can do anything 

or nothing and have the best time. 

I believe- 

that sometimes the people you expect 

to kick you when you're down, 

will be the ones to help you get back up. 

I believe- 

that sometimes when I'm angry 

I have the right to be angry, 

but that doesn't give me 

the right to be cruel. 

I believe- 

that just because someone doesn't love 

you the way you want them to doesn't 

mean they don't love you with all they have. 

I believe- 

that maturity has more to do with 

what types of experiences you've had 

and what you've learned from them 

and less to do with how many 

birthdays you've celebrated. 

I believe- 

that it isn't always enough to be 

forgiven by others. Sometimes you 

have to learn to forgive yourself. 

I believe- 

that no matter how bad your heart is broken 

the world doesn't stop for your grief. 

I believe- 

that our background and circumstances 

may have influenced who we are, 

but we are responsible for who we become. 

I believe- 

that just because two people argue, 

it doesn't mean they don't love each other 

And just because they don't argue, 

it doesn't mean they do. 

I believe- 

that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a 

secret. It could change your life forever. 

I believe- 

that two people can look at the exact 

same thing and see something totally. 

different. 

I believe- 

that your life can be changed in a matter of 

hours by people who don't even know you. 

I believe- 

that even when you think you have no more 

to give, when a friend cries out to you 

you will find the strength to help. 

I believe- 

that credentials on the wall 

do not make you a decent human being. 

I believe- 

that the people you care about most in life 

are taken from you too soon.

*Written by an unknown author