I'm Sorry*

I want to hurt and I want to bleed. 
This pain is too much to bear. 

Emotions are jumbled, and thoughts are racing. 
All in one way, the wrong way to go. 
I want to do it... what is stopping me? 

Stop caring, I am not worthy. 
Stop loving me, I cannot love you back. 
I am too hurt. 

I am guilty. Guilty because I am me. 
I should not feel this way. Others are worse off. 
But all I can do is sit here in a miserable heap. 
I am stuck in a rut. 
I do nothing to make it better, so it really is my fault. 

I can talk and talk and get nowhere, I'm not going to get better. 
I'm not going to change for the better, I don't know how. 

I'm completely alone. And I hate it. I want this to end. 
I want to be able to feel connected. Like I fit in. 
The loneliness is smothering me. 

Want to say how much I hurt, but who would listen without judgment? 
People judge me without knowing me; do they try to hurt me? 
Or is this just me overreacting? 

Judge me, hate me, be afraid of me. 
I do it to me, so why can't you? 

I can't promise I won't do it. 
I can't say that I won't regret it. 
I will not say it won't leave me more imperfect, 
It will. 

I just can't do this anymore. 
Reaching out is too much work. 
I hate being so self-centered. 

I know I'm negative. 
I know these thoughts can be changed. 
But I think I'm used to it? 

I know this is cognitively distorted, 
As I already know this is me being depressed. 

Tell me I'm not crazy. 
I might listen. 
Tell me I'm not alone, 
and I will listen. 
But tell me that people care, 
that's a hard pill to swallow. 

I'm sorry that I'm a mess. 
I'm sorry for making people worry. 
I am so sorry I can't be happy. 
And I'm just sorry. 
Somehow it’s all my fault. 
I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. 

*Written by an unknown author